I can't buy a sports car. #TallPeopleProblems

It’s true; I can’t buy a sports car. I’m too poor. Unfortunately, waiting tables doesn’t fund any of my expensive needs in life, like a V-12 cherry-red Enzo Ferrari. Oh, and there’s the not-so-small problem of not being able to fit in one.

My dream of roaring around town in a sports car so sexy it gives pedestrians whiplash was recently crushed. I went to a car show this past year and realized something I should’ve expected: sports cars are simply too small for someone my size to fit in. I’m actually pretty sure they’re too small for anyone to fit in.

I feel your pain Mr. Incredible.

My first experience with this depressing phenomenon occurred at the hands of a BMW Z4. I figured sure, it’s a small car, but it makes up for it by being an open-cabin vehicle – I can fit in that. When I finally squeezed myself behind the wheel after pulling out some contortionist tricks I had learned from my long circus career, I learned that my view was perfect…ly blocked by the top of the front windshield. It was as if some supreme power felt the need to censor my eyes from the public. The horrors didn’t stop there either; virtually every car I attempted to sit in was too small. 

I’m aware that I may not be the best judge of appropriate cabin size for a car – being 6’ 6” doesn’t quite make me the average consumer. Some of you may even be thinking, “Well, you’re probably doing it wrong.” Rest assured, I tried moving the seat as far back, down, reclined and down again as much as I could in the vehicle, but like Apple Maps, it got me nowhere. Alas, it was only the Ford F-150 that had enough space to fit all of me comfortably… and I was riding in the truck bed.